valentine, i want to feel your hips pressed up against mine passed around an old teacup filled up with dead flies
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i am jack's wasted life

burnpiano islandburn
I can't dream since I quit sleeping and I haven't slept since i met you and you can't breathe without coughing at daytime and neither can I so what do you say, your coffin or mine?
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wow just ..wow. [03 Aug 2009|10:42pm]
All I have to say is..I remembered my deadjournal password and the fact that I even HAD a deadjournal. i was so rediculous what the hell.

"i HATE mere christianity take my advice and never read it... i took out my gum and stuck it on the computer desk. then i ate a brownie. then i stuck the gum back in. i hope i get some weird computer desk bacteria used gum disease and die"

"this girl came up to me when i was talking to this dude from gonzaga and i was wearing bodnage pants and she grabed one of the strap thingies and was like..you are now my human pet...i was like yeah..suure. tats what youd want to think...can u get off my pants now!?"


DONE.

i want sushiii all the time. and i love bubbles bubbleybeard. the end.
a stool at the silhouette saloon

snowshoes [27 Jan 2009|10:38am]
who has my password still?! and uploaded an invader zim icon? creeper!
a stool at the silhouette saloon

my cat just burped. [22 Jan 2009|02:40pm]
[ mood | calm ]

reading old things...and yeah i miss writing terribly but...i don't know how to describe it. maybe the intensity is gone? like whatever happens it's going to be okay. intensity is the wrong word, way. i don't know. but things are good. really good. and i barely worry about that at all. i drove through ten states. i fell asleep next to someone for eight nights in a row after spending every waking minute with them and did not get sick of them, once.

i'm going to go watch a movie to keep someone's cat company while they're away. i never turn the heat on.

a stool at the silhouette saloon

fuck you! [23 Dec 2008|08:23pm]
[ mood | calm ]

first lj sentence for every month of 2008:

January: i didn't have a computer for awhile, so i've wasted most of the night reading emails and facebook and livejournal, etc. and i thought about how much time i really do waste on the computer.
February: tonight i wanted to have soup and i realized i didn't have a can opener, so i found my roomate's tool bag in the dining room and used a hammer and a nail to poke holes into the top of the can.
March: tonight as i was leaving my class it started to rain but never really RAINED until i got into my car.
April: the funny this is, i never did anything to any of you.
May: i don't like the way my phone automatically capitalizes the first letter that i type into it.
June: the past few weeks, days (MOnths)? have been a blur.
July: MARGOT AND THE NUCLEAR SO AND SO'S ARE PLAYING AT THE 930 CLUB IN AUGUST...and i'm going to be at the beach.
August: (nothing)
September: sometimes i feel like i wouldn't know what to write anymore, even if i wanted to.
October: I actually did some homework in advance today.
November: i've been feeling pretty good lately, keeping busybusybusy leaving no time for loneliness unhappiness overworked thoughts
December: My new favorite way to waste time in the library instead of writing my 20 page paper is to look through the documents people forgot to delete from the computer and save on their own space.

3 pulled up a stool at the silhouette saloon

biblioteca [09 Dec 2008|03:10pm]
[ mood | awake ]

My new favorite way to waste time in the library instead of writing my 20 page paper is to look through the documents people forgot to delete from the computer and save on their own space. This one is the best so far...titled.."Of course there were other demons I had to face"

"Of course there were other demons I had to face. Whatever creature I could possibly think of was after me. This was apparent one night when I visited Gabby in the Hospital. As I sat there while she was sleeping, a wisp of smoke rose from the ground.
The great vampire Dracula appeared. His skin was a deathly white and his fangs were visible. He enveloped Gabby in his cape and he disappeared. While I knew Dracula wasn’t as powerful as Satan, he was much smarter and would prove to be quite a challenge for me. So once again I stood up and left the room. The problem was that I had no idea where Transylvania was."



it's funny and amazing to me how immature people can be. i feel quite relaxed.

1 pulled up a stool at the silhouette saloon

cold [25 Nov 2008|07:19pm]
[ mood | excited ]

so i get these "senior experience" newsletters through email from towson. and they are pretty much a joke. instead of telling me important things about graduating, i get to find out the final vote on the class t-shirt!!!!! this is the quote that was voted upon:

“You can pay for school,
but you can’t buy class.”
-Jay Z



ahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa.




also i really like my new room. i really like living here so far. i just feel..comfortable again in my own space.

andddd pretty excited about other things.

my kittycat sleeps on the bed every night now and it's great.

a stool at the silhouette saloon

everyday [11 Nov 2008|12:55pm]
[ mood | atschool ]

i just applied for graduation. it feels weird but good.
i am moved (almost all the way) into a new apartment. i think things could be getting better.

i'm so excited for snow.

i like this right now.

3 pulled up a stool at the silhouette saloon

numb is the new high. [03 Nov 2008|11:33pm]
[ mood | confused ]

i've been feeling pretty good lately, keeping busybusybusy
leaving no time for loneliness
unhappiness
overworked thoughts

today is just a day
just a day for tears that won't come out because i am forcing them, trying to make myself unhappy instead of enjoying it. what's wrongwhat's wrong, what's permanent. (playgrounds are graveyards and all of our scars are permanent)

i hate the little insecurities creeping back, i remember them well but they had been gone for quite awhile.

i like to repeat words often sometimes. i would like a cup of tea. there is a stack of boxes on the floor in front of me. soon i will never have to walk barefoot on this floor again.

for some reason up until this point i was pretty okay with not caring but i feel that my cautiousness is really holding me back and i can't help it. i could be saying something right now but i won't, i decided so that's it. i had another (day)dream that came half true today and it was veryverystrange but not so bad i guess.


upupup and downdown but hopefully i can stop, figure it out. if it doesn't work out that's okay but it's not okay if i make it not work out when i want it to. is it bad i want to know something for sure? it is bad that i want to know something for sure. i was doing so good with that before. it didn't matter. i felt sick. it feels like it matters. i wish i could say something.

and tell you the smallest things really fascinate me. but don't want to seem anything that wasn't said first. i'm ruining it. in my head.

goodbye.


ps. i am being stupid.

a stool at the silhouette saloon

[14 Oct 2008|08:47pm]
the other night when i was walking another person told me to smile.
a stool at the silhouette saloon

blahblahblah [08 Oct 2008|12:40am]
[ mood | drained ]

I actually did some homework in advance today. I had chest pains from stress today, it was a little frightening when I would breathe in deep. I also woke up at 6 am to the sound of someone loudly and intensely vomiting outside my window. It was very confusing and I barely slept well anyway. I feel so strange right now. I realized just how easy it is for me to go back into the past on a whim, even though I'm desperately trying not to. I spoke to someone who had been avoiding me for a few months and decided that it was probably for the best..making a clean break from things. and how easily I could fuck up something that has barely begun. and part of my strangeness is that I feel like I am communicating my interest in that something very terribly. and I'm not sure why. I guess I am being cautious? But I don't want that to keep me too far away..so far that I even considered going backwards. ugh. I thought about this a lot after a few unnerving late night conversations. I guess all I can do is keep trying..and let whatever happens happens. But I need to be more something, do more something, somehow.I'm scared. I'm trying. (to care a little more about my life..and also trying in other senses..)

I'm trying my best not to get too overwhelmed again..keep myself from drowning :/

a stool at the silhouette saloon

nothing and everything. [20 Sep 2008|12:31am]
[ mood | exhausted ]




why won't i sleep anymore?Collapse )

ps. i'm still excited! if i had to force a conclusion i'd make it like the weather, partly sunny and breezy with the occasional dark cloud of thought. i like not knowing. i love how my cat snores.

a stool at the silhouette saloon

i never have anything to say about anything anymore. writing is gone. [31 Jul 2008|12:07am]
[ mood | go to bed ]

i was about to brush my teeth and i thought of this day a little over a year ago..april?may? and i was sitting at the computer in my spacious room in an old, old apartment building in charles village. and i was listening to zolof the rock and roll destroyer and this song came on that ERIC sent me awhile before and i just jumped up and started dancing like crazy on my bed and it had more to do with what was going on and what i thought could have been ahead. and i was thinking that i miss that, just being totally and completely excited for life. i guess i was about to move back home, it was the start of wearing dresses all the time and taking chances on things that were making me smile at the time.

I just killed a spider and it made a popcrunch sound and is stuck to the wall.

and of course it never all works out. and i see where i am now..which putting the pieces together is never very fun. so i let it all hang somewhere just out where i could not reach past my fingertips if my arms were stretched out in the dark.

i'm not sad or regretful for mostly any of it though.

but it's all just lifelifelife and i can still dance like crazy at the slightest anything, but i don't have quite the same reason to yet.

and i have to say something, someday. the problem is that i know i'll cheat by yelling it in the middle of a big empty nowhere or whisper it in a crowded somewhere and never speak it to where it is directed to be said at.

i like saying the end a lot and ps. and listening to lindsay powell's voice and words under more than one nameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

ps my cat is amazing!

a stool at the silhouette saloon

we left as skeletons [08 Jul 2008|07:44pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

i always type a bunch of stuff then sometimes i post it and sometimes i don't. i decided it was all rambling nonsense about summer that i don't need to record.

despite horribleness trying to bring me down, there's a lot i'm looking forward to right now. the first being the AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS POPSICLE I'M ABOUT TO CONSUME.

a stool at the silhouette saloon

beatz [02 Jul 2008|08:56pm]
[ mood | hahahahaha ]

MARGOT AND THE NUCLEAR SO AND SO'S ARE PLAYING AT THE 930 CLUB IN AUGUST.

..and i'm going to be at the beach.


they're pretty much my most recent favorite band ever. the kind where i like every song i've ever heard by them. and i reallllyy wanted to see them. and it sooo wouldn't have been crowded. oh well.


i'm not going to write about my actual life or anything now except to say that you
are
a
bastard!

a stool at the silhouette saloon

if they are color blind, they make me feel that you're only what i see sometimes [24 Jun 2008|01:17am]
x: i think i'm colorblind sometimes
y: really? what color is this carpet?
x: red
y: i think you might be right
y: what color are my eyes
x: blue
y: no they're purple! ...i'm only kidding, they're blue
x: bastard!
a stool at the silhouette saloon

i can't sleep, i can't speak to you. [22 Jun 2008|01:35am]
i think i've figured it out. of course i haven't actually figured anything out but an idea i have is that when everything goes the same for awhile you get used to it. the nothingness the endless road the days and nights the way it looks like someone really heavy shoved into the side of the wall on the stairs one day. you just expect it. and i had accepted certain things, A certain thing only days before. but everyone is insane. and when there is a change, a small crack in between the days and the nights when you stay up all throughout the time in between, i suddenly can't sleep at all anymore now. and it's not like before when i didn't want to sleep, when i was hiding from the dreams. i feel as though i lay awake uncomfortable all night and then awake in the morning worried that i am late for something. when i check the clock it's 6 am. and i am displaced.


ps. i'm not sorry and i didn't know. i did not know. but i remember you now. even though i'm already starting to doubt your existance once again. i know.iknowiknow I DON'T KNOW!
a stool at the silhouette saloon

the morning after [17 Jun 2008|05:55pm]
i didn't even cry once.
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hello stranger [01 Jun 2008|02:08am]
the past few weeks, days (MOnths)? have been a blur. i never know what day it is. or what's going on. or what i'm doing. maybe things are happening but i couldn't tell you.

i wouldn't want to anyway. i write it down when i need to.

things just happen and i am somewhere there, sometimes, i think.

i hate driving through old neighborhoods that i lived in not too long ago. (basically, NOT fox beach lane) they make me feel overwhelmed with things i barely remember and confuse together and want to lay down and relive them and wonder why it feels like someone elses life and cry.

sometimes i want to go so far forward that i can't look back.

there has not been enough time spent laying in the grass. that's all i ever want to do, honestly and for a very long time.

also i think about things sometimes and then they happen. it freaks me out. i don't think it's a coincidence and i don't care what you think about that.

summer of dresseseverydayforeverpartTWO

see where the wind blows me
see where the earth throws me
see where the fire draws me
see where the water calls me

(ate my insides out)

it smells like
tyhoaut







ps. banana
1 pulled up a stool at the silhouette saloon

i don't want to be anything anymore. (there isn't one) [07 May 2008|10:25pm]
you can try as hard as you like..
if it helps you sleep at night..
but i won't be blamed for your mistakes.
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don't fucking move cause everything you think you have will go to shit. [04 May 2008|11:20pm]
[ mood | here. ]

i don't like the way my phone automatically capitalizes the first letter that i type into it.

the other night someone was talking to me and it sounded like they were saying that i shouldn't dye my hair bright colors or wear brightly colored things because it was too contrasting to how quiet they felt that my personality was. and it's like, who the fuck are you? you don't even know who i am.

yes i am alive and i still don't believe you.

i guess i'm okay as long as i don't read anything ever again.

okay.

and i don't want to live with some of these things that i live with anymore.

a stool at the silhouette saloon

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